`Many Taught Me Sins and Rage, Several Taught Me Endurance, A Few Gave Me Light

22 October 2009 - Its Just Not Right

looking at the way things are, my mental willpower is feeling weak towards someone, and that I can't stop thinking about certain matters in my mind. headed to gym with Samuel, and I had a great time pushing myself to the limit, and I guess same goes for him.

after telling a story to him, I felt lighter and more refreshed, thinking what I should plan to do next. I can't afford to make any mistakes, because at this point of time, it is extremely crucial for me, choices with many possibilities, as well as the consequences of each possibility.

I have that fear I've always felt uneasy with. it draws closer now, and I can't tell whether I'm the only one feeling that uneasiness. I mean...I can never think whatever the others are thinking, only to know that I've dragged myself to a state that I would only bring bits of troubles to those closer to me.

Yes, the guilt was there, after I heard the news. it was afterall, the Vanity blood in me plus the personality I have that brings me to where I currently am. and so Sam said something like "The value of losing that amount, and theres the value that you gained."

I've gained only a bit of what I want, and had lost almost the rest of everything, and I realised that the small value I hold is worth me losing the rest of what I used to have, and that I've come to know that this Pride I hold makes me someone who will not bow down to others, except my parents, not even some of my close friends would I bow down and apologize if I find myself not at fault after times of reflections and asking others their opinions into whatever that happened, to confirm my conclusion is right.

This pride I have since young, may bring me to a path of destruction in the future due to the strong stubborness, but at the same time having a good willpower and determination into making the decisions I truly want in the next phase of my path. But all these while, I've no regrets having it, because I hate embarrassment (excluding being embarrassed in a funny way). however, there are still people who accept me for who I am, I do not know the reason, but I'm definitely not alone, and they are the ones who made me realise that.

to break through this uneasiness, for once, I would abandon this Pride for someone other than my parents. and thus, since the dreadful months has passed and is still going on, it is time for me to make an initiation one last time. no matter what the conclusion is, I just want no regrets anymore, even though it may not be right. this shall be a fight against my own willpower.

We can make a difference in each others' lives, experience pains and grow from there.

Labels: thoughts

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